its been awhile, so here's whats up

so something odd happened to me the other day. without giving out too much info and making this a long sappy story here is what i will say.
i have recently been looking for "long lost" friends. people i went to bible camp with, people i was friends with and lost touch with after highschool. among these friends were ex-boyfriends. just a few in particular.i didn't really think i'd find them. i neglected to realize how many odd memories and feelings this might dredge up out of the depths of my soul.
so. the other night...i "found" my first boyfriend. the first boy i held hands with. the first boy i kissed. the first boy i "loved". suddenly, all these memories flooded my brain, and i felt every single feeling i felt when i was 13 years old. i could remember every letter he sent me, every conversation we held. every picture we took together. now, we had been friends long after we broke up. so it wasn't like this was a bad relationship or anything. hell, we were just kids. but, it was just so surreal. my head was spinning out of control. as the night rolled on, i tried to suppress those feelings again, to bury them as if to keep them safe inside me. i drowned my thoughts in alcohol. now i had tons of fun, and its so great to see him. i just kept thinking, if i talk about this or let this out of me i'll never get it back again. i kept thinking, and my head kept spinnning. after all i hadn't seen this guy in 9 years.
there are alot of odd coincidences in this situation. as we caught up, we found out that his daughter was born on 11-9-00 and my son was born 11-10-00.
we both had life threatening car accidents in 1998, both of us were in the first vehicle we had owned.
he is living ACROSS THE STREET from me, and has been for six months.
i read about him in the paper a few years ago, but didn't know it was him. although i had a 'FEELING' that it was.
he saw me around the same time period as the article, but wasn't sure if it was me ...chickened out and didnt say anything.
he is dating someone very close to me.
my head is still spinning. i can't even believe whats going on. its so surreal. i'm not sure anyone can understand how i feel. i mean i thought i would never see this person again. it's like someone died, and then out of nowhere they are here again.
at the end of the night, my new (old) friend, and my close friend, saw to it that i got home safely. and when i hugged them goodnight... i thought...this is something good. this is a good new thing. and it felt good. the hug felt....good. and i am not sure why. and it kind of scared me. i hadn't touched this guy in over nine years.
now..i'm not saying i am still in love with this person.i LOVE my husband. i could not imagine life without my husband. my family is my life, my world. they are what i live for. what i am saying is that i am very happy for my friend. i am happy we were re-united. i see a chance to gain a good friend back. i just cannot believe its happening.
so much for short and emotionless. sorry.

hmm the time is now

well for the past few weeks josiah has been quite the little stripper. he hates diapers. well more recently he has started pointing at the bathroom and saying potty or peepee...so. i decided to see what would happen if i got him in front of the pot, the next time he did it. i stood him up on a chair, cuz i dont have a step stool for him yet. he started to grunt and groan something fierce... so i said, do you have to poop...well he let me know right there with a big fat NO. i said ok do you want to sit down...NO... so he continues to thrust out his little "stuff" and grunt until he is red in the face when all of a sudden, the most glorious little golden....DROPLET..... lands ...right on the chair. he was proud, so proud...he got down, and flushed the empty toilet. and wiped his peepee. in that order! i was so proud of my little man. i do feel its a bit early but he is determined to be a big boy..so for his birthday i am going to buy him his own throne! lol.

i lost my poor meatball...

wow. so i dont even know where to begin on this one. its personal. it hurts...really bad.my son was feeling a little unloved. he was sent to bed and he was bawling. so i called him down to talk to him. he told me he doesnt feel loved. pang right to the heart. of course i love him i tell him. he said well john doesnt love me. well dad jumps right in with well thats why i buy you all kinds of stuff huh. cuz i dont love you. so i quietly said you know, money can't buy love john. i said of course daddy loves you honey, and i was about to tell all the reasons why when john flies completely off the handle and throws a bowl ( a gift from our wedding) onto the kitchen floor spraying little glass pieces everywhere. starts telling me he's tired of everyone ganging up on him. i said wait a minute noone is ganging up on anyone, i'm trying to explain how we love with words. he said he'd just solve the problem and go to bed (running away from the situation instead of fixing it) i said well, dont you love the kids? he said well josiah is mine and davin is yours. i said no they are both ours. dont you love them? and then he stomped up the stairs. what am i to think of this? can he really be so cold and unkind? does he really feel that way? that one belongs to him and the other to me? i'm so completely hurt and confused...and poor poor davin, feels like he should belong to another family because he thinks noone loves him. what am i supposed to do??

so

whats on your mind tonight bloggers? mine is blank...but i would like to hear what your thinking about....

hope your not mad or thinking i'm dead. but i really haven't blogged from my heart in awhile. i post alot of randomly weird things, but thats just who i am. i post what is on my heart whether it be my own words or words already written.
this was supposed to start out like an online diary, for public criticism, or something like that.. but i kind of fell behind. warning: this post gets graphic it's all religious and stuff.
i don't know what is going on in my heart these days, i feel kind of twisted and confused. i feel sort of sad, and anxious. i think my heart is broken but i don't know why. perhaps God is trying to tell me something. did my heart grow cold? is it unreceptive now? i doubt that is the case as i still ache for His arms to hold me. I think the world around me is changing. I feel the spiritual warfar in this town. i feel the need for our youth to come to Christ. but it seems as there is really nothing i can do about it. i am poor. i am noone. a barista with an empty cup. this makes me sad.
i used to manage the arcade as most of you know. when i worked there, amongst the kids and teenagers, i felt myself being needed. alot of those kids really looked up to me, and trusted me. i always made it abundantly clear that if they ever needed anything, they could call or come over at any time.
but now that the arcade is gone, i feel some of those kids are losing a battle they cannot fight alone. my heart bleeds for these kids. kids being lost to drugs and sex. its not fair.
i wanted to start something. i wanted to be someone. but all my dreams, and what i thought were God's dreams seem to be fading away. i am not sure what is in store now. i once had magnificent dreams of coffee shops and mentoring, counseling and loving. now i only see a life drowning in bills and regrets. when will it stop?
when i was in highschool there were only two things in the world i wanted to do. be a missionary, and own a coffee shop. i knew i wasnt going to be some missionary in some unknown desolate country. i knew it would be local. i knew that someday i would be working with kids who had noone else to turn to. what i didnt know is that i would drop out of college, earn degrees over the internet be married and have two magnificent children by the time i was twenty six. i hold a degree i dont even use, working on another i might not ever use and still my heart cries out to be needed. sure my kids need me, and my husband needs me. but still i feel so empty. a hidden talent i cannot find. a dream that hasnt been dreamed. i pray for God to show me His plan, yet i know it will only happen in His time. and yet there are days, weeks, months that go by where all i can think about is the scale and this bill and that bill and this and that, and hardly a prayer rolls off my tongue. and I know its wrong, but its like life is the headlights of the truck and i am the deer, and sometimes that light distracts me and i lose my focus on where i am headed. i hate that. i really dislike myself when i get that way. i know it is displeasing to God. and then i bury my head in my hands and weep for my sins... and beg God to forgive me. I know He does, every time. because He is the one TRUE forgiver.
but then a few weeks go by, and i am on the right path. and that darn truck comes back the other way, ready to plow me over.
i know i am just rambling through the tears. but maybe its time for a change. maybe i need to go to the alter and pray. maybe i need my own mentor and counselor.
i'm sorry if this is too graphic for you. but just one more thing before i sign off. a prayer:
I still believe in you God. Please, don't forget me down here. I am fighting. Maybe I am doing it wrong, but you can help me,Lord. I need you in my time of heartache. Please, Light my path and show me where to go from here. I prayed the prayer three times this week, and yet I still feel empty. Embrace me, Lord.

this is just me rambling. getting things off my mind. pay no attention to me. in fact i dont even want comments on this. its just...a thought

just so you know

i am thinking about you.
you don't know this(and you will probably never read this anyway), but i really care about you. i think about you almost every day. when i see you, i almost have to look away, because the thoughts are so guilty and still so pleasureable.
"it doesn't hurt to look".
are you sure? because sometimes i wonder.
" it adds to the excitement at home"
really? isn't that cheating, if only in your mind?
"you need fantasy's to keep you going, just don't share them with your husband (or wife) because thats when things go wrong."
oops.
is adultry contagious? is it hereditary? it's sin. i know that. is it still adultry even if its just in your thoughts? probably.
i pray every night for God to forgive me of these thoughts and to take them away. but they are still here. why? to make me live in guilt? to deprive me of happiness and contentment? i sure don't understand this. i feel like a dumb highschool girl. ugh!
i don't think i should have written this. i feel sick now.:(

le' nerd

so i've been up for the past two nights. on purpose. but as i sit here all night...trying not to fall asleep my mind keeps taking me back to highschool. of course i've always been the reminiscing type...to ponder about things of long ago. here is what has been bugging me lately. i was a nerd in highschool. i know this. i look at pictures and see it. but what i can't figure out is WHY. why did i allow myself to be that way? why did noone try to help me snap out of it? everyone just accepted it, and did the appropriate highschooler things, like make fun of me. for that i'm not mad. you did what you had to do. its no big deal really, life goes on. highschool doesnt really mean jack-shit. now, i've recently added alot of new facebook friends from highschool. friends, now, not from then. well not all of them were my friend back then. or were they? was i just so incredibally nerdy and dumb that i couldnt realize i HAD friends? i realize that this post is nerdy in itself. i'm sorry. i'd like to know if anyone actually liked me in highschool, if anyone ever had a crush on me. i know i had several crushes, and i'm sure they were all obvious. thats because nerdy girls never hide their feelings. much to the scrutiny of others. but still,i'd like to know.ya know, i still struggle every year at prom-time with sadness about not being able to attend prom. mostly due to my dad's issues with it. but once he finally agreed to let me go to my senior prom, noone would go with me. i was totally crushed. i think i really missed out on something wonderful. now as an adult i get to embarass my children by chaperoning the prom someday. and you best better damn well believe i'm going to go out there and dance my heart out. lol. poor kids. i'll apologize now. i don't really know where i'm going with this, i guess i just needed to type it out. i think i need a good stiff drink. cheers to the nerds.

just a thought...

I think you are an amazing person. You look right at me and choose not to see me. It takes a brave person to avoid all the things that hurt you. But, maybe you aren't so brave, just a coward acting like a jerk just to annoy me and make yourself feel good. It's time to start being honest with yourself. Talk to me, tell me your secrets, cry with me. I can help you...

i'm doing fine

i'm doing ok. things are going ok. but things aren't swell. nothing is really wonderful. life is just contentness right now. there is no big drama, no big theatrical things going on. just life moving slowly.
i have figured out that writing a business plan, is almost impossible. the lack of money really affects your whole life, even if just writing something.
but would i really appreciate life if i had everything i wanted?

sleep when your dead fred

finding it harder to sleep lately. it might be all the extra caffeine I've been consuming. maybe not though.
i keep thinking of someone. it's hard to get this person off my mind. i hope everything is OK for this person. I've always felt connected to them, but have never actually had a chance to get to know them. i feel a kindred spirit in them... but fear i will never know them. its sad really because i long to pour my heart and soul out to them...to cling to their friendship so that i am not so alone. i fear it would bring a lot of heartache with it though. a lot of stray thoughts and feelings. but still i wonder... i dream of the romance that will never be.
my thoughts do not stay on a straight path. they wander left and right. i fantasize too much. i dream about too many things. things that are not pure. i have this secret blog, just to confess about my dreams. and yet...i'm too scared to talk about it.
is anyone listening?

not sure why i exist

i had a tough weekend. for some reason the husband and i can't seem to get along, or go on a date. we were supposed to go to a movie this weekend. and each time i got dressed up and ready to go he said something like "i thought you said we weren't going to go" and i would say, " then why did i just spend an hour getting ready?" . it seems as if noone wants to hang out with me. i must smell funny or something.
is it possible to go thru social ruts? where it seems as though noone wants to be around you? is it a bad aura or something? what could possibly be wrong with me that would make everyone want to stay away?

well as you can tell i took this very hard. i can feel that awful depression creeping in.

welcome

welcoming myself. what a nerd am i.