hope your not mad or thinking i'm dead. but i really haven't blogged from my heart in awhile. i post alot of randomly weird things, but thats just who i am. i post what is on my heart whether it be my own words or words already written.
this was supposed to start out like an online diary, for public criticism, or something like that.. but i kind of fell behind. warning: this post gets graphic it's all religious and stuff.
i don't know what is going on in my heart these days, i feel kind of twisted and confused. i feel sort of sad, and anxious. i think my heart is broken but i don't know why. perhaps God is trying to tell me something. did my heart grow cold? is it unreceptive now? i doubt that is the case as i still ache for His arms to hold me. I think the world around me is changing. I feel the spiritual warfar in this town. i feel the need for our youth to come to Christ. but it seems as there is really nothing i can do about it. i am poor. i am noone. a barista with an empty cup. this makes me sad.
i used to manage the arcade as most of you know. when i worked there, amongst the kids and teenagers, i felt myself being needed. alot of those kids really looked up to me, and trusted me. i always made it abundantly clear that if they ever needed anything, they could call or come over at any time.
but now that the arcade is gone, i feel some of those kids are losing a battle they cannot fight alone. my heart bleeds for these kids. kids being lost to drugs and sex. its not fair.
i wanted to start something. i wanted to be someone. but all my dreams, and what i thought were God's dreams seem to be fading away. i am not sure what is in store now. i once had magnificent dreams of coffee shops and mentoring, counseling and loving. now i only see a life drowning in bills and regrets. when will it stop?
when i was in highschool there were only two things in the world i wanted to do. be a missionary, and own a coffee shop. i knew i wasnt going to be some missionary in some unknown desolate country. i knew it would be local. i knew that someday i would be working with kids who had noone else to turn to. what i didnt know is that i would drop out of college, earn degrees over the internet be married and have two magnificent children by the time i was twenty six. i hold a degree i dont even use, working on another i might not ever use and still my heart cries out to be needed. sure my kids need me, and my husband needs me. but still i feel so empty. a hidden talent i cannot find. a dream that hasnt been dreamed. i pray for God to show me His plan, yet i know it will only happen in His time. and yet there are days, weeks, months that go by where all i can think about is the scale and this bill and that bill and this and that, and hardly a prayer rolls off my tongue. and I know its wrong, but its like life is the headlights of the truck and i am the deer, and sometimes that light distracts me and i lose my focus on where i am headed. i hate that. i really dislike myself when i get that way. i know it is displeasing to God. and then i bury my head in my hands and weep for my sins... and beg God to forgive me. I know He does, every time. because He is the one TRUE forgiver.
but then a few weeks go by, and i am on the right path. and that darn truck comes back the other way, ready to plow me over.
i know i am just rambling through the tears. but maybe its time for a change. maybe i need to go to the alter and pray. maybe i need my own mentor and counselor.
i'm sorry if this is too graphic for you. but just one more thing before i sign off. a prayer:
I still believe in you God. Please, don't forget me down here. I am fighting. Maybe I am doing it wrong, but you can help me,Lord. I need you in my time of heartache. Please, Light my path and show me where to go from here. I prayed the prayer three times this week, and yet I still feel empty. Embrace me, Lord.

this is just me rambling. getting things off my mind. pay no attention to me. in fact i dont even want comments on this. its just...a thought